Asking A Girl To Prom

So recently (literally last night) one of my twitter followers, the probably too Jewish @shmooelcohen asked me if I had any clever ways to ask a girl to prom.

Yes, Shmooel. Yes I do.

Now, I haven't been to a prom in two years (I jest, but seriously, how else are kids supposed to get weed now-a-days?)

Let's check out what we know about proms, yes?

I assume proms aren't like this:

maybe closer to this without the organized dance routine (seriously, when did EVERYONE have the time to learn this from Usher?):

dreamt to be like this:

and in reality are probably like this:

The point is prom is nothing like the movies or tv want us to think prom will be like. You will most likely borrow your parents car or CRAM into a shitty limo. You'll take a ton of awkwardly posed pictures that only your parents care about. That one guy who wore the white tux with the top hat and cane will try and get everyone drunk on the bottle of JB he stole from his dad. One girl will get HAMMERED and puke all night. When you get there your date and her friends will huddle off into a corner and gab until the last dance while you are stuck with you friends and the cousin of that one unattractive girl who brought him as her date. You'll dance the last dance to whatever R&B or Country hit (pending where you live in the country) is popular at the time while both of you avoid eye contact with each other like it will kill you. Afterwards you will go to some party at someone's house, get really drunk, your date will disappear, you'll pass out wake up the next morning and declare the night before as "sick and epic."

BUUUUUT none of that matters, because this post isn't about prom. It's about asking THE girl to prom.

Let's take a few things into consideration, shall we?

Okay. Obviously you are in high school so financially speaking you are at the mercy of your parents AND/OR your part time job at a. Lids (if you're a douche) b. Orange Julius (if you're a hot girl.) c. The Structure (if this is 1996.) Money is gonna be a problem so that hot air balloon exploding thousands of "will you go to prom with me?" paper hearts falling over the high school at EXACTLY 3:15pm is probably out of the question. [NOTE: If money is not a problem please do this.]

So we're on a budget crunch. Check.

Next up we have to live in the reality of this situation. Is this girl the most popular girl in the school? Are you the school's dork a la EVERY movie ever made about high school? Let's assume NO. You know in those high school movies how we only focus on a small group of kids either the most or least popular? You know those kids walking by in the background? Let's say you're one of those kids, and let's say the girl you want to ask out is another one of those kids.

You're just two normal high school kids.

This is a good thing.

This saves you the possible embarrassment of the unattainable girl telling you "no" in a really bitchy way that will catch up to her later in life when she's pregnant with her 2nd unplanned child by her 2nd baby daddy all the while calling in sick from her job as a lot girl/lunchtime blowjobess at your current quarterback of the football team's future Kia car dealership.

Thank you.

You don't need to make this a school wide announcement. Those NOOOOORMALLY don't go as planned. Plus, my motto in life is keep it classy when you can, but never resist the urge to take a picture with your dick in your passed out friend's ear.

Let's keep it small, sweet, creative and most importantly: memorable.

Here's a few ideas off the top of my head. Feel free to use none of them.

1. The Hidden Message.

Talk to one of your teachers a day or two before a test or some type of worksheet. If this is a cool teacher (the one you call Mr. D or Mrs. G) odds are they will do this for you. Ask them if they will change the question and answer on the test/worksheet of the girl you want to ask out prom. If it's multiple choice, amazing. EXAMPLE:

6. If a train leaves Milwaukee at 1pm and a plane leaves Tokyo at 4am would either of those really matter because Shmooel wants to go to prom with you? Answer one:

a. Yes

b. Of course

c. 6:30pm

d. Tell him yes out loud!

This is subtle, cute (thank you, thank you), not too flashy, and private enough to not cause a big scene if she says "no."

2. The Scavenger Hunt

Ah, the secret note. The glue of the high school social scene. For a week or so up to the day you want to ask her (start on a Monday, end on a Friday) lead this girl on a scavenger hunt. Start with a note in her locker saying something like "Go to auditorium. Row F (Row FF if you go to one of those liberal arts high schools.) look under seat 9." Then leave a note there leading her to her next spot (i.e the science lab (or if you go to a religious high school: the prayer barn), the cafeteria so on and so on.) Everyone likes a good scavenger hunt. Don't do too many because then it's annoying so maybe keep it a day or two, but at the end have the last note say "Find Shmooel Cohen (god, you are soooo Jewish, I love it.) for your last note." Then when she finds you, ask her to prom. Done. Clean. Creative. Odds are her friends get into the hunt too because curiosity is powerful thing. This works 1000% better if she is your friend and she gets you in the hunt with her.

3. The Vulture Technique

This is for if you are friends with one of her friends, and don't want to embarrass yourself. You circle this girl by talking to her friends, asking subtle questions. This can be borderline creepy so be cool about it.

Let's pretend the girl you want to ask out's name is, I dunno, Miriam (Jewish! Jewish! Jewish!)

SHMOOEL: Hey Tova?

TOVA: Hey Shmoo-dog.

SHMOOEL: I asked you to stop calling me that.

TOVA: But it's cute!

SHMOOEL: Is it? Is it cute? Because it creeps me out.

TOVA: LOL-dar

SHMOOEL: Ugh. Don't use internet language in normal discussions, please.

TOVA: Oh, I forgot you hate that too. So what's up?

SHMOOEL: So what's the deal with Miriam?

TOVE: Why? Do you like her or something?

SHMOOEL: No! Well, between you and me, a little bit...

STOP. Okay. I guarantee this is being done in some high school, somewhere, right now. This is classic high school shit right here. This is going to get back to Miriam. Classic telephone game. Have you seen Bye Bye Birdie? Oh you haven't? You're straight? Well here's the example:

Nowadays you can replace the phone calls with texts or IM's. And you can replace the lines "what's the story morning glory" and "what's the word hummingbird?" with "sup bitch?" and "hey slut."

So you don't want to be Harvey Johnson here (even though I am pretty sure Harvey Johnson went on to form the Big Johnson t-shirt company in the mid 90's and became a millionaire.)

So Tova is going to tell Miriam that you asked about her. Miriam is, most likely gonna have her interest piqued. She will relay the info to Tova and then you can move in for the prom kill.

This kinda lacks creativity now that I think about it. I hate this method. Let's scrap this. This was a ploy to express my love for Bye Bye Birdie. Which I do love.

4. The Note In The Sand

Recently I was walking on the pier at Manhattan Beach in the evening. I looked over the side of the pier and saw some teens (damn teens!) writing in the sand "JENNY WILL YOU GO TO PROM WITH ME?" with candles all around it.

I assume the girl and her friends we're asked to be on the pier at a certain time and blah blah blah you get it.

It was kiiiinda cheesy but at the same time blissfully unaware and kinda sweet. It made me wish this Etnies and Hurley clad Spanish kid would ask me, a Roxy clad 29 year old man with a wig on and his dick taped to his leg to prom. (I kid, I kid (I don't, I don't))

The point of this was that its simplicity was small scale yet grand, away from the school, and borderline cheesy to both be laughed about by both sides (and it breaks the ice.)

Let's assume you don't live by a beach. Odds are though there is a public place you could do something like this. Let's go with the mall.

Ask the girl's friends to be at the mall at whatever time you choose. Tell them to go to the cookie store (I recommend Mrs Fields, but Great American Cookie will also do.) Ask the person working at the cookie store (odds are they went to your high school a year or two ago) to make a cookie cake saying:

"Miriam, Will you go to prom with Shmooel?"

Have this displayed IN the display case and have her friends make her see it. You can then be fake-working (again calling in another favor) at the cookie store and, well, you get the point. When she says yes you can both enjoy the giant cookie together with all your friends and laugh about how cheesy it was AND laugh at the guy REAL working at the cookie store. [NOTE: He's probably a Juggalo, so don't laugh too hard.]

5. This one takes balls. This one is extremely complicated, high risk, and scary as hell...

Okay you with me?

Seriously...this is big...

Deep breath...

Okay. You walk up to the girl, look her in the eyes, very simply and very truly tell her:

"Hey, so I don't know if anyone asked you to prom yet, I think you're funny, pretty, cool to be around and would like to go to prom with you."

If she says no then you immediately ask her friend...just kidding.

This is a pretty simple, lacks creativity but shows you have one thing that is EXTREMELY important in life: Confidence. If she says no you say "Okay cool. Well now you know that's out there. So I feel pretty awkward. I'll see ya around."

Call out the awkwardness of it if it goes awry. No one can fault you for that (granted it is high school, so literally EVERYONE will fault you for it.) It shows you have confidence and a certain level of "fuck it" everyone needs to have. It takes balls though because it can't be anymore upfront and obvious about what you want. It lacks creativity, so if you want to you could borrow the school's mascot uniform and ask her at a ball game (since it's Spring though, I assume the mascot doesn't go to many events.)

Well, there you have it. There's 5 ways to do it. By all means use all or none. If it works Shmooel, I want to know, if it doesn't work...well, it wasn't meant to be and remember that having your parents arrange your prom date with that girl from Hebrew school isn't the last resort, it is simply a telling note of your future success with girls and money. You'll look back and laugh about it with your future actress/wife Suri Cruise while jet-skiing through the ocean on your $100 bill fueled Sea Doo.

Or you'll kill yourself.

Either way: Heaven awaits, my friend.

Everyone give http://twitter.com/ShmooelCohen a follow over there on that Twitter contraption. Hopefully he'll let everyone know what happens.